


With It All Upon My Shoulders

by camwolfe



Series: The Water Can't Drown Me [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 22:35:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3094283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camwolfe/pseuds/camwolfe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve's had a rough week, and he'll get a little too drunk at this party if he wants to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	With It All Upon My Shoulders

**Author's Note:**

> Steve POV for once! This was meant to be happy and fun and then it was... not. Which is pretty much the story of my life and everything I write, so.
> 
> If you haven't read the original story for this, you can still read this but it won't make much sense. At all, probably. But go ahead if you really want to!
> 
> The title is from a Scars on 45 song called "Insecurity," because I'm predictable and lame.

Steve was very drunk.

He hadn’t meant to be this drunk. He hadn’t mean to be drunk at all, really. He was usually the designated driver. On the rare occasion that he wasn’t, his friends usually ended getting much drunker than he did. That, in turn, meant that he spent the rest of his evening taking care of them. He didn’t mind it all that much. He’d rather that his friends make it home safely, even if it meant sacrificing his own alcohol consumption. He'd literally lost count of how many times he’d dragged Clint home from a party, sometimes even staying with him until the next morning so that he could be sure that Clint didn’t get sick while he was sleeping.

This particularly party was a little different for a few reasons. For starters, none of Steve’s friends were there. He didn’t have many friends to begin with, but there were absolutely none of them here at this particular party. Three of his cousins had come into town for the weekend, and they’d thrown a party at a friend’s house. They’d invited Steve, and he’d gone because of a sense of familial obligation.

The second reason was that Steve had had a very awful week. Well, it wasn’t _that_ bad of a week in the grand scheme of things. No one had died, no emergencies had happened. There’d been no hospital visits, no calls to the fire department. He hadn’t gotten fired from work, and the weather had even been pretty nice.

 It was just the little things that had made the week bad. A few people had been out sick at work that week, and Steve had ended up taking their shifts to cover for them. That meant that he’d worked nearly twice as much as he normally did, which was saying something considering that he worked long hours as it was. His car had broken down on Monday, and it had cost him almost a thousand dollars to fix it. Steve worked a lot, but he definitely did not have a spare thousand dollars to spend on his car. He’d had to use almost all of his savings. Bucky had had a particularly bad headache on Tuesday and Wednesday, probably caused by the stress of spending all of their damn savings on Steve’s car. He was fine now, of course, but it meant that Steve hadn’t slept at all on those nights. Bucky had offered to come to the party with Steve, but Steve had insisted that he stay home and relax instead. He was kind of regretting that decision now.

The main reason that Steve’s week had been horrendously awful was that this week was the anniversary of his mother’s death. He hadn’t mentioned it to Bucky, or to anyone at all. That wasn’t out of a desire to hide it, particularly, but he just didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t know what to say about it. He’d kind of hoped that his cousins might bring it up when he saw them, but they had not said a single word about it. All three of them were now just as drunk as Steve, and so he doubted they would be saying anything about it now either.

Steve had walked into the party determined to have a nice evening. He didn’t know anyone there except for his cousins, but most people were friendly enough. He’d had a few beers to start off with, and he’d still been doing all right. Then some guy had made a racist joke, and Steve had called him out on it. The guy, who was much drunker than Steve, had immediately turned on Steve and tried to pick a fight. Steve was almost twice his size, and the guy’s attempts to rile him up were ridiculous. Luckily the man’s girlfriend thought so as well, and she’d dragged him away while muttering apologies to Steve.

It really wasn’t a big deal overall, but it had pissed Steve off just enough to send him over the edge of his carefully constructed wall of patience. His cousin had waved him over to do shots, and Steve had joined him in an attempt to calm himself down. That was probably a bad decision in retrospect, but it had seemed like a good idea at the time.

Now he was leaning against the wall of the basement, drinking another beer that someone had pushed into his hand. One of his cousins was dancing on the pool table, and Steve watched blurrily as she fell off into the waiting arms of her boyfriend. He didn’t mind his cousins, but he wished that Bucky was here. Or at least Clint or Natasha.

Steve pulled his phone out of his pocket. It took him a couple tries to unlock it, and then a couple more tries to find Bucky’s contact page. His hands felt weird and clumsy, which was kind of annoying. He was pleasantly warm, though, and his muscles were loose and relaxed.

Bucky picked up on the first ring.

“Hey, Steve,” Bucky said.

“Buckyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy,” Steve said back. He leaned his head against the wall and took another sip of his beer.

Bucky laughed. “Holy shit. Are you drunk?”

“No,” Steve said.

“You definitely are.”

“Not that much,” Steve said, although he was pretty sure he slurred his words.

“Jesus, I can’t even imagine you being drunk. How’s the party?”

“’S okay,” Steve said as he took another swig of his beer. “Wish that you were here. Or that I was there. With you, I mean.”

“What happened to quality bonding time with your cousins?”

Steve’s head spun a little as he turned to look around the room. “One of them is passed out on the couch, one of them is doing shots again, and I don’t know where the other is.”

Bucky laughed again. “Well, come home whenever you want, then. Wait, how are you getting home?”

“Allie’s gonna drive me.”

“Who’s Allie? And is she sober?”

“Yes,” Steve said firmly. “’Course she is. Hold on.”

He took another drink and then stumbled over to where a girl named Allie was patiently making one of her friends drink some water.

“Allie, can you talk to Bucky?” he asked, holding out his phone.

Allie handed her friend the water bottle and took the phone from Steve. Steve took the bottle of straight vodka from Allie’s friend and poured it into his own drink, and then handed it back to her.

“Thank you,” Allie mouthed to Steve. She put the phone to her ear. “Yeah? Uh, yeah, hi. Yeah, I’m completely sober. I’ll take him home, don’t worry. My car’s an SUV, I can fit a lot of people in it. He’s pretty drunk though, tell me your address in case he passes out.”

“I am not,” Steve said. He pulled the phone out of her hands and shoved it back into his pocket.

“Your boyfriend seems nice,” Allie said as her friend reached for Steve’s beer. He held it out of her reach.

“He is,” Steve said happily.

“Steve!” one of his cousins yelled. “Dude, come be on my team!”

Steve made his way through the crowd of people to the beer pong table.

 

He did actually end up in Allie’s car a while later. He was squished in the backseat with a few of her other friends. He leaned his head against the cool window of the car as they drove.

“Steve? Is this your house?”

Steve jerked back awake, blinking groggily.

“Yeah,” he said slowly. He opened the car door and fell out onto the concrete.

“Shit,” Allie said. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he said again. He stumbled back to his feet. “I’m good. Thanks, Allie.”

“No problem,” she said. “Have a good night!”

Steve shut the car door, and slowly made his way up the path to his front door. He tripped on one of the stones that made up the pathway and fell again, landing on his knees this time.

“Fucking landscaping,” Steve mumbled as he struggled upright again. He managed to fish his key out of his jeans and get the door open behind him. The hallway was warm and bright, and Steve stumbled back against the door as he shut it behind him.

Taking his shoes off seemed like a lot of work, and so Steve wandered into the living room instead. Bucky was sprawled on the couch in front of the tv, his head tipped back and his eyes closed.

Steve tried to walk into the living room quietly, but instead he walked straight into a side table and hit his knee again.

Bucky opened his eyes.

“Oh, hey,” he said with a smile. Fuck, Steve loved that smile. “You’re back pretty early.”

“Yeah,” Steve said. He was a little thirsty, and he tried to turn to walk back to the kitchen. His feet somehow tangled together though, and he stumbled forward into the wall. He slid down it so that he was sitting on the floor.

“Fuck,” Bucky said. He scrambled off the couch. “You’re actually really drunk.”

“Didn’t mean to be,” Steve said. He tried closing his eyes, but the room immediately seemed to spin in huge circles around him. He opened his eyes again to see Bucky kneeling next to him, the smile gone from his face.

“It’s totally fine, Steve,” Bucky said, gently pushing Steve upright again. He’d started to topple over a little. “I’ve just never seen you like this before, that’s all.”

“Missed you,” Steve said. He reached out and pulled Bucky closer. “The party wasn’t that much fun without you.”

“Man, you get sappy when you’re drunk,” Bucky said. He wrapped his arms around Steve too. “Not gonna lie, I kind of missed you too. I got bored.”

“Mmm,” Steve said, leaning his head onto Bucky’s. He closed his eyes again.

“Hey, no, don’t pass out on me,” Bucky said. He disentangled himself from Steve’s arms.

“I’m awake,” Steve said. He looked up at Bucky and widened his eyes way more than was normal.

Bucky laughed. “Okay, fine. Stay here, I’m gonna get some you water. Do you want something to eat?”

“Umm,” Steve said as he thought about it. “Maybe?”

Bucky laughed again and went into the kitchen. “I’ll get you some toast or something,” he called.

Steve stared down at his hands as he waited. It was too quiet in here now. This house was so damn quiet, sometimes. It hadn’t been when –

Well, when his mother had been alive.

Steve tried to push back the wave of emotion that seemed to come out of nowhere, but he wasn’t as good as it as he normally was. He tried to get to his feet, to go help Bucky in the kitchen. He didn’t like having to have people take care of him. He’d been sick a lot as a kid, and he’d hated it then. He hated it even more now, just because it reminded him of how sick he’d been. Bucky didn’t need to take care of him, Bucky might think he was even more useless and annoying than he probably already did. Steve needed to go get his own damn water.

He managed to get to his feet, but suddenly he was sitting on the ground again with his back against the couch.

“Jesus,” Bucky said alarm. “Steve, just sit down. You’re gonna get hurt stumbling around like that.”

Bucky sat down beside him again, holding out a glass of water. Steve automatically reached out to take it, but his hands were shaking by then.

“Steve,” Bucky said. “Hey, Steve.”

Steve let his hands fall back into his lap, watching them tremble with a detached sort of interest.

“What’s going on? I mean, other than the alcohol,” Bucky said. “Steve, you’re shaking really badly.”

“How… how long do you think Nat and Clint are going to stay together?”

“Uh,” Bucky said. “I have no idea. I mean, they live together and get along pretty well, so probably for a while. Why?”

“Dunno,” Steve mumbled.

Bucky nudged him gently. “Steve. Why are you asking about Nat and Clint.”

“’M just wondering.”

“No, you aren’t. Drink the water and tell me what the fuck is going on.”

Steve obediently took the glass of water and took a few sips of it. He was more thirsty than he’d expected, and he chugged half the glass before Bucky grabbed it back.

“Great,” Bucky said. “Now tell me the other thing.”

“Ugh,” Steve mumbled. He put his head in his hands. “No. You’ll get upset.”

“Oh, come on!” Bucky protested. He gently shoved Steve’s shoulder, and then hastily pulled him back upright when he tilted towards the floor. “You’re the one who’s always on my ass about communication and shit.”

“I’m always on your ass always,” Steve said into his hands.

Bucky groaned. “That didn’t even make sense.”

“Don’t care.”

“Steve.”

“Fine,” Steve said sharply. “It’s because if Clint and Natasha break up, then Clint will need a place to live and I want him to move in here with me because after you leave it’ll be too quiet and lonely here again and I don’t want that.”

There was silence for a moment. Steve didn’t look up from his hands.

“What the fuck,” Bucky said. “Steve, what the absolute fuck.”

“Told you you’d get mad.”

“I’m not mad, Steve!” Bucky said as he pulled Steve’s hands away from his face. “I just don’t know what the hell you’re talking about! What do you mean, after I leave?”

Steve slumped a little lower, avoiding Bucky’s gaze. “Well, you’re gonna leave at some point.”

“What? Okay, Steve, I get that you’re really really drunk but I have no idea what you’re talking about. Do you _want_ me to leave?”

“No!” Steve said hastily. “That’s the last thing I want!”

“Then why are you saying all of this then!”

“Because I don’t get why you’re still here, Bucky!” Steve said. “Other than because you think you owe me something because I helped you and your family and stuff!”

He finally looked up. Bucky was still sitting next to him, but he looked a little horrified. “Are you serious?”

“Yes,” Steve said. “Okay, look, now you’re upset! I told you this would happen!”

“I’m not – “ Bucky said, quickly cutting himself off. “Okay, fine. I’m upset, I’m upset that you genuinely think that of me. And of yourself.”

Steve stared at him. “I’m confused.”

Bucky sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “That’s because you’re drunk. Steve, why would you think that? Have I ever given you the impression that I’m only here out of obligation?”

Steve groaned and let his head fall back against the couch. “No. I don’t know. It’s just… I dunno, you’re so… you.”

Bucky stared at him.

“You get what I mean,” Steve said desperately. “You just… you have your family, and you have lots of friends and you’re smart and everybody likes you.”

“Well, thanks, I guess, but – “

Steve leaned over and put his hand over Bucky’s mouth to make him be quiet.

“And I’m just me,” Steve continued. “I dunno why you’d want to be here, Buck. It’s only me here, and this house is on the outside of town and it’s kind of isolated.”

“Jesus Christ,” Bucky said. He slumped forward so that he was leaning on Steve’s shoulder, his face buried in Steve’s neck. “Jesus fucking Christ, Stevie.”

He sat up against after a minute, Steve staring at him tiredly.

“Steve, I…” Bucky said slowly. “I don’t even understand this right now. Do you honestly think that about yourself?”

Steve was very tired and kind of just wanted to go to sleep.

“You are the best person I have ever met in my entire life,” Bucky said, turning Steve’s head so that he could look at him. “This is going to sound super fucking cheesy, but there’s nowhere else I want to be but here.”

“On the living room floor?”

Bucky scowled and shoved him gently again. Steve managed to stay upright this time. “Yes, on the living room floor. With you. And everybody else loves you too, just so you know.”

“Bucky, you don’t have to say all this,” Steve mumbled, but Bucky was already pulling out his phone and dialing a number. He clicked the speakerphone button and held it out.

“What,” Natasha’s voice said. She did not sound impressed.

“Hey, Nat,” Bucky said. “Everything’s fine, don’t panic.”

“Do you have any fucking idea what time it is?”

“Yes,” Bucky said. “Sorry about that.”

“What do you want, Bucky.”

In the background, Steve heard Clint mumble “unless someone is dying, turn that goddamn phone off.”

“I need you to tell me what you think of Steve,” Bucky said. “Be one hundred percent honest.”

Steve groaned and tried to grab the phone away from him, but Bucky neatly held the phone out of his grasp.

“He’s one of the best people I’ve ever met,” Natasha said without hesitation. “I’ve never seen you as happy as you are when you’re with him. He’s amazing. Clint, say what you think about Steve.”

“Love Steve,” Clint said in the background. “Steve’s great. Love him a lot. Hopefully Steve is sleeping. Like I want to be.”

“There you go,” Natasha said. “Now, why did we have to do that?”

“I’ll explain later,” Bucky said. “Thanks, guys.”

He hung up and turned back to Steve, smirking. “See? You hear all that? They love you almost as much as I do.”

Steve smiled weakly at him, but his arms still felt too heavy and he kind of just wanted to sink through the floor.

Bucky sighed and sat down next to him again. “Steve, I’m not going anywhere. Not unless you want me to.”

“I don’t,” Steve said quickly, leaning his head on Bucky’s shoulder and closing his eyes. “Love you.”

“Steve,” Bucky said. “Steve, wake up.”

“Uhhnph,” Steve said. Bucky’s shoulder was very warm and comfortable. So was the floor, actually.

“Steve,” Bucky said again. Steve felt a splash of water hit his face, and he sat up indignantly.

“What was that for?”

“No passing out on the living room floor,” Bucky said. He stood up and grabbed Steve’s hands, trying to pull him up. “We’re going upstairs.”

“Why?” Steve complained. He didn’t move, despite Bucky’s efforts. “I wanna stay here.”

“Trust me on this one,” Bucky said. He pulled on Steve’s hands again. “Jesus, you’re heavy. Come on, get up.”

“Ugh,” Steve said, but he climbed to his feet and let Bucky steady him. The world suddenly spun in a loopy circle, and Steve stumbled forward.

“Woah,” he said slowly.

“Okay, upstairs, now,” Bucky ordered. “Don’t fall on the stairs.”

Steve did as he was told, although he had to brace himself carefully on the hand railings. He finally made it into his bedroom, collapsing face down on the bed with relief. He was pretty sure that his bed had never been this comfortable.

“Take your shoes off at least,” Bucky said as he followed him inside.

“Nuhh,” Steve mumbled into the pillow. Bucky pulled his shoes off anyway.

“Are you sure you want to sleep in your jeans?”

“Yeah,” Steve said stubbornly. It felt like the entire room was lurching around him in circles, and he was a little afraid to move his head.

“Okay, fine. You gotta roll over though.”

“Nah,” Steve said as he closed his eyes. He was so tired, and falling asleep felt so good.

“You can either roll over, or I will push you over.”

Steve sighed and turned so that he was lying on his side. “Good?”

“Yeah, you’re good.”

Steve closed his eyes and fell asleep immediately.

 

The alarm clock beside his bed told him that it was 3:04 am when he woke up. He sat up in bed, and then swore as the room lurched. Bucky was asleep next to him, nearly invisible under the pile of blankets.

Steve’s head was a little clearer now, and he finally understood why Bucky had made him come upstairs. He was also thankful that their bathroom was right next to the bedroom, and that he somehow had the coordination to make it there before he started throwing up.

 

There was a knock on the bathroom door a few minutes after Steve slammed it shut behind him. Steve winced. He hadn’t meant to wake Bucky up.

“Steve?” Bucky called quietly behind the door. “You okay?”

“Yes,” Steve said, and promptly threw up again.

He heard Bucky sigh. “Can I come in?”

“No.”

“Well, I’m gonna come in anyway so you might as well just say yes.”

“Ugh,” Steve muttered. “Fine.”

The door creaked open, and Bucky walked in.

“I come bearing water,” he said as he set a bottle down next to where Steve was curled on the floor. “And some ginger ale, and some Gatorade. I wouldn’t recommend the Gatorade until a little later, though.”

“Thanks,” Steve mumbled. He leaned his head back against the wall.

“How’re you feeling?” Bucky asked, way too cheerfully for this time of night. His hair was messy and he had his shirt on inside out, but he sure looked a hell of a lot better than Steve felt.

“Fucking terrible.”

“I figured,” Bucky said. “The ginger ale might help.”

“You should go back to bed,” Steve said. He closed his eyes. “You’re supposed to get at least eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, remember?”

“I’m good,” Bucky said. “I don’t have work tomorrow. Or today, I guess. I can sleep in if I have to.”

Steve winced as his stomach twisted again. “I hate this. I fucking hate feeling sick.”

“Most people do,” Bucky said with a little bit of amusement. “The good thing about hangovers is they’re usually over pretty quickly. You’ll be fine by tomorrow afternoon, probably.”

“Not soon enough,” Steve mumbled. He was shaking again.

Bucky was quiet for a moment. “Steve, why’d you drink so much?”

“I’m twenty-one, I’m allowed to drink.”

“I know. It just doesn’t… seem like something you normally do, that’s all.”

“Yeah, well, I’m paying for it now, aren’t I,” Steve said. He leaned forward so he could throw up again.

 

“What time is it?” Steve asked a while later.

“3:41.”

Steve laughed. He leaned forward and rested his head in his hands.

“Steve?”

Steve laughed again. “Fuck.”

Bucky slid over so that he was sitting next to him on the floor.

“Wanna know what I was doing, last time this year?” Steve asked.

“Sure,” Bucky said.

Steve slumped forward more, bracing his elbows on his knees. “I woke up at around 3:30, I still don’t know why. There wasn’t any noise or anything, right? But I knew, I just knew, and I got up and I went into my mom’s room and it was so quiet in there. And I went over and stared at her, and sure enough, she wasn’t breathing anymore. I didn’t know what to do, which was kind of stupid because she’d been sick for so long. I mean, I knew it was coming. But when it actually happened I didn’t know what to do. So I stood there for a long time, and then I finally went downstairs and called the ambulance. And then I went outside and stood in the driveway until they came. But there wasn’t really much to do, so I ended up just coming back home that same morning. And then I sat there and called my aunts and everyone and told them, and then I just sort of… sat.”

Bucky didn’t say anything for a long moment.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky said. He leaned into Steve’s side. “I wish I’d known you then.”

“It was so quiet, Bucky,” Steve mumbled. “And I’d been spending so much of my time with her, and then there was just… nothing. I didn’t have anything to do. I just wandered around, for weeks. There are entire days that I don’t even remember. And then I met you, and everything wasn’t okay but it was better. But I’m so fucking scared, Bucky, I’m so fucking scared of you leaving and that’s not a good thing, I know, it’s not a healthy thing or whatever but I can’t help it – “

“I’m not going to leave you, Steve,” Bucky said. “I’m not being naïve and saying that I think our relationship will be perfect forever or any bullshit like that. I just can’t imagine ever wanting to be with someone other than you.”

Steve nodded slowly. “I know. I know. I’m being stupid.”

“No, you aren’t,” Bucky said firmly. “I don’t have the monopoly on being messed up, Steve. You’re allowed to be a little fucked up, too.”

Steve laughed, despite of himself. “Only a little, though.”

“Yep. Only a little. Jesus, imagine if you were just as fucked up as I am. That’d be a mess.”

Steve laughed again and leaned into Bucky.

“I think there are worse places to be than here, though,” Bucky mused. “I mean, this house is pretty comfortable. And warm. And it has a nice view. Also, you’re here and you’re pretty comfortable too.”

Steve was feeling tired again, but he still smiled as his eyes slipped closed again. “This floor isn’t the greatest.”

“Hey, I just cleaned it!” Bucky protested. “It’s a great floor.”

“You vacuumed it like a month ago. Does that count as cleaning it?”

“Yes,” Bucky said. “Absolutely.”

 

Bucky dragged him back to bed a while later. Steve drank half a bottle of water and promptly fell back asleep for another six hours. As Bucky had promised, he woke up feeling completely fine. He sat up slowly, though, just in case.

He blinked in surprise. There were several teddy bears piled up on Bucky’s side of the bed, all facing him. He was pretty sure they were Grace’s.

Steve carefully got out of bed and took a quick shower before walking downstairs. Grace wrapped herself around his leg the moment he walked into the living room.

“Steve!” she said happily. “Did you like the teddy bears? Bucky said you weren’t feeling well and that you were sad, and when I’m sad I like to have my teddy bears with me, so Bucky said I could give them to you for a while!”

Bucky winced apologetically from the couch. “Mom had to run some errands, so she dropped Grace off here for the afternoon.”

“That’s all right,” Steve said, lifting Grace up and tossing her gently onto the pile of pillows on the couch. She shrieked with delight. “I’m feeling better now.”

“Yay!” Grace said happily. “Bucky, can we go to the park then? You said we could go to the park if Steve was feeling better, and he says he is so that means we can go to the park. I’ll go get my shoes.”

Grace scrambled off the couch and ran into the hallway. Bucky sighed.

“You don’t have to come to the park if you aren’t up to it,” he said apologetically. “She’s kind of high energy at the best of times.”

“No, I’ll come,” Steve said. “I think… I think that’ll be good.”

 

They did end up going to the park. Bucky put a movie on after dinner, and Grace fell asleep snuggled up between Bucky and Steve on the couch. When Steve looked over, Bucky was sound asleep too.

He leaned his head back against the couch and let his eyes slip closed again. The day had been tinged with sadness, but he was pretty sure his mom would have been happy to see him like this.

Steve finally drifted off to sleep, the sound of the movie dimming slowly. Bucky and Grace’s breathing was soft beside him, and he was asleep before he knew it.

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to let me know what you think! I'm also on tumblr [here](http://cameronwolfe.tumblr.com).


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